I haven’t posted for awhile. Maybe cause I haven’t been real sure on what the heck is going on in my life.

Dating and single motherhood has been interesting. Wranglers isn’t the first man I’ve dated, but dating someone local is an entirely different experience. Maybe I haven’t posted because I’m not sure if I’m a “single mom”. I guess, by definition, I am. I am still a single parent, even though I am no longer “single”. Maybe I haven’t posted cause I’m unsure of what kind of content I would post. My head is spinning in the manner of an innocent college student who inhales a bong hit after playing beer pong during their first party away from home.

No, Wranglers hasn’t ran back to the ranch just yet, despite the fact that my 3 year old hated him for a good two weeks solid.

Feeding Cattle

My son has had his moments of pure unabashed jealousy. This emotion has been so intense at times, that I would go into the bathroom and cry. My heart to heart talks  and reasoning with a three year old child went unnoticed. Imagine that? After many attempts to reassure him that mom wasn’t going to leave him, or love him less, he decided that Wranglers was the enemy. Tongue sticking out, negative body language and the occasional name calling sent me over the edge in single mommyland.

The dirty name he calls my new boyfriend is “Bubble” and when he’s really feeling shitty he refers to Wranglers as “Bubble -GUM“. It’s the tone used for this seemingly unobtrusive selection of words, not the content, that sends me reeling… and the refusal of Bear to greet my loving boyfriend, that has sent mommy feeling like a bad guy to both parties. This isn’t a good feeling. Who can I talk to about this?

The recent episodes of my kid’s jealousy have catapulted my mind into the future – a future of men who came and went because my son hated every one of them-therefore leaving his poor mother to live her life out alone.

Nonetheless, Wranglers has been kind enough to ask me how I feel about it. He’s asked me what I would like him to do to ease the situation. I listened to his  advice as well and gave him the ok to proceed. He backed off on Bear and let Bear come to him. The other night, as Wranglers lied on the floor watching TV, Bear lied across his legs as if they were his moms. I smiled and felt relief wash over me.

I am still apprehensive, but I know that Wranglers won’t run, as he’s affirmed to me. I hope he doesn’t. I also know that my son needs time to digest the big hunk of stuff he’s been handed over the last 2 months. My little man has had me all to himself.

I can only be selfish enough to hope that my two favorite boys can work it out. Until then I hold my breath and try to enjoy the happiness that I feel when they connect, so that one day maybe we can be a family.

The one thing that keeps me grounded and helps me navigate through these new waters is that I know I can do it alone if I have to. Bear and I will be just fine either way.