…but I’m okay now, well, sort of.

Bear and I went on a short three day vacation to my sisters house.  My sis took off on a business trip to Vegas and she happens to live near the beach.  So, snatching up my dear sister’s offer of a free room, I packed our bags and hopped in the car.

The vacation was lovely. The weather was great.  My kid frolicked in the water and we built sand castles.  We did all that stuff you’re supposed to do when doing the beach thing.

Best of all, I actually RELAXED.  Single moms don’t get to do this thing they call “relaxing” much (I’m slow but I’m learning). Yes, I relaxed, unlike my last “getaway” with my son and mother when I thought I was having a heart attack in my car.

My favorite part of my single mom trip was taking my son to see the Elephant Seals in San Simeon. They lie around on this beach farting and making out all day.  He didn’t want to leave, but man it was chilly out there and mom couldn’t take it anymore. It was probably, like, 60 degrees or something.

So when did everything go terribly wrong? This morning, which was my first day home from blissful vacation.

Fall is on it’s way and I’m ready to start things anew. I am feeling ready to tackle the world with business ideas and put-off deeds,feelings and thoughts like – “is my daycare provider pissed off at me?”. She doesn’t seem as kind to me as she has in the past. This could be my hormones, but I was feeling it. My son has been a bit of a bossy little turd lately and as I’ve mentioned in previous entries, I’m working on discipline. To be quite honest, he didn’t need a whole lot until recently and I’m new at this.

So, I take him to the sitter and tell her I’d like to talk. Kids are all over the place. I ask her if it’s a good time to talk, she seems receptive and so I start asking her if he has been difficult lately and what her “toy” policy is. My kid likes to bring a toy everyday to daycare. She says that he won’t let anyone play with it and that he puts it up on the counter. She also says that he just likes “showing” it to everyone. What does this mean? Should I leave them home? Or is it okay for show and tell? A yes or no answer would help here, but I have a lump in my throat and can’t ask her for it at this point.

She asks me what I’ve noticed different. I tell her that he is bossy and I am having some discipline problems with him – nothing too specific, but not intentionally. I just couldn’t seem to find the exact words and the lump in my throat is getting bigger. Actually talking about my son being a turd to someone else and having him in the room seemed awkward and more “real”.  When she agreed that he was bossy and that he wanted things his way all the time I felt immediate responsiblity. I also felt like crying. I’ve never had anyone tell me how they felt about my kid besides family.

Then she says it, and I don’t think she meant it in a bad way, cause Pam is a doll and the nicest person ever. She is maybe too nice and doesn’t always speak her mind, which is why I felt the negative energy in the first place.

She says ” Well, it’s probably cause you’re a single mom”.

Huh? My kid is sometimes an ornery turkey cause I’m a single mom? If my own guilt and frustration didn’t do me in before, this statement did. The tears welled up in my eyes. I looked away. A little boy, who can’t even talk yet,  handed me a teddy bear, as if to say “here, this will make you feel better”. Kids notice everything damnit. Now I know I have to go. I can’t let the tears flow in front of my own kid, much less the others..much less Pam! I get up, I walk out and she grabs my hand. I can’t speak, because if I did then I would blubber all over the place.

I went to work and my pink-haired Bob Dylan/Levon Helm/Iron Maiden loving client, Renee, had to listen to me whine and cry. After talking to her I didn’t feel so alone though. She is my age and also has a 6 year old and used to be single. It’s hard to find a mom my age with a younger child. Most of my friends had babies in their twenties. I did it backwards. I’ve done everything backwards! I guess it’s my style. I have to be different, like Renee, without the pink hair that I dye for her. ( I will post a photo of her soon).

Pam called me at work and asked if I was okay and if it was her fault that I left upset. I told her no and that I just started my period. Well, it’s true and I can’t believe I just mentioned that! She then told me she’d be out on Thursday to have her tooth pulled. I wanted to cry again. I have to work Thursday and I don’t have time to find someone to fill in and the bills are piling up. What’s funny about this is that she probably wanted to tell me that this morning and didn’t want me to have a full blown bawl-baby fit!

I could use some beachy weather and some farting elephant seals about now.