Since my last blog entry, I have had a minor (or a major) single mommy meltdown, depending on who you talk to. Several reasons for it. None of which I’ll go into at the moment, but giving up the blog was an option. So was giving up college (for now).

Okay, having an online blog and laying it out there is sorta weird.  There are things I don’t say for fear that if my mother read it…or if my sister read it…or if my girlfriend read it…or my aunts read it, they’d get pissed, or hurt, or most likely – just  think I’m plain crazy and try to take my kid away from me.(Yes, this fear occasionally rears it’s head, being a single parent. It doesn’t help that my mother half way “joked” about it once when I fell in love and was going to move to Alaska with Mr. Deadliest Catch  and take her grandkid with me…that’s a whole ‘nother blog entry coming soon..and no he wasn’t deadly, but he was of the vocational fisherman variety in Alaska)

My closest family friend, Wendi, told me she wouldn’t read my blog anymore, after I explained to her, over dinner, that I have come to a halt in writing the blog, because I feel that I can’t be open when I know that the closet people in my life are reading it. (I know you’re reading this bitch!)

I’ve always thought of myself as someone who doesn’t give a crap as to what others think, but alas I do. I admit it. Nonetheless, my actions and the way I have lived my life just might coincide with my view of not giving a shit. So, why break the cycle?

In my blogging past, my once close relationship with my former brother in law came to a screeching halt when he read an entry in my blog in 2005, when he and my sister were split up. I was pissed at men and he was one of em. I wrote about it. He read it. End of story. I retracted it, but damage was done.

Some people get fired for their blogs like Dooce -a mega mom blogger who then blogged about work . Julie from The Julie and Julia Project was almost fired for hers. Julie’s mother read her blog and would give her unwanted feedback  over the phone on occasion (great movie btw and I didn’t know it was about an author of a blog, so it was double cool). I’m self employed so I suppose I’m safe there, but I really can’t be too revealing when a client has pissed me off to no end.

So, here I am wondering should I cross the road and just “blog it all out there”, or should I remain composed and reel myself back in and do away with the blog completely?

When one writes from the heart and doesn’t allow for honest self-expression, it becomes a bit like trying to enjoy a prime steak and you discover a piece of chewy, white, rubbery gristle in the middle of it. You’re really diggin’ it, but you know that eventually you’re gonna bite into that vein of big fat gristle. With each bite, you wince, gag and retract, instead of enjoying the taste. Eventually, you lose your appetite and empty your expensive steak into the trash.

I tossed the blog into the can.

Alas, here I am fishing it out, like the scene in Sex and the City of Miranda fishing out the half- eaten chocolate cake from her trashcan.  Although it’s in the flesh eating bacteria-laced  heap, it’s on top and still looks halfway appetizing. It cost a lot for that damn steak! Lots of time was put into the preparation!

Perhaps no one is looking, perhaps they are. I’ll just cut the gristle out and keep on going, regardless of what anyone thinks and if my arm falls off.  Pass the A-1 please.