Bear at his first round up!

It’s been a bit over four months now since Wranglers came into my life and my son’s life. Things are good. There are moments that I thank god for bringing him into our lives. I have been fortunate to find a man who wants to be a father to my son. Without getting too syrupy sweet – let’s just say he’s a nice fit. Not that there aren’t trying moments.

I have been struggling with the blog. What do I write about now? I’m not really single anymore…but i still do have single parenting issues. Getting to know someone and having them enter your child’s life as well as your own, is definitely a single parenting issue! I never thought it could be so tough. I think the longer you are single the harder it is.

It’s hard to allow someone to enter my parenting life, when me and my kid have been the dynamic duo for so long. There have been moments on my end when I wanna say “Hey, he’s mine. You have no business telling me what to do with him.” Taking a moment is necessary at times. I have to think about what is best for my son and I know that my boyfriend has our best interests at heart. He doesn’t always win, but his opinion is always considered and respected. Someday he may own as much stock in this three-way relationship as I do. For now, I’m still the big cheese….I think.

The endless horizon...

There were many times that I felt I would never find someone that would work – someone that would fit and embrace my son as their own. Funny thing is, he has been there since Bear was just under a year old, but I wasn’t ready. I could kick myself for not dating him then, but I guess timing is everything. Maybe I wouldn’t have embraced him the way I do now.

After all I’ve been through since my pregnancy and the five years up to now, I’m glad I opened up my heart again.

I haven’t posted for awhile. Maybe cause I haven’t been real sure on what the heck is going on in my life.

Dating and single motherhood has been interesting. Wranglers isn’t the first man I’ve dated, but dating someone local is an entirely different experience. Maybe I haven’t posted because I’m not sure if I’m a “single mom”. I guess, by definition, I am. I am still a single parent, even though I am no longer “single”. Maybe I haven’t posted cause I’m unsure of what kind of content I would post. My head is spinning in the manner of an innocent college student who inhales a bong hit after playing beer pong during their first party away from home.

No, Wranglers hasn’t ran back to the ranch just yet, despite the fact that my 3 year old hated him for a good two weeks solid.

Feeding Cattle

My son has had his moments of pure unabashed jealousy. This emotion has been so intense at times, that I would go into the bathroom and cry. My heart to heart talks  and reasoning with a three year old child went unnoticed. Imagine that? After many attempts to reassure him that mom wasn’t going to leave him, or love him less, he decided that Wranglers was the enemy. Tongue sticking out, negative body language and the occasional name calling sent me over the edge in single mommyland.

The dirty name he calls my new boyfriend is “Bubble” and when he’s really feeling shitty he refers to Wranglers as “Bubble -GUM“. It’s the tone used for this seemingly unobtrusive selection of words, not the content, that sends me reeling… and the refusal of Bear to greet my loving boyfriend, that has sent mommy feeling like a bad guy to both parties. This isn’t a good feeling. Who can I talk to about this?

The recent episodes of my kid’s jealousy have catapulted my mind into the future – a future of men who came and went because my son hated every one of them-therefore leaving his poor mother to live her life out alone.

Nonetheless, Wranglers has been kind enough to ask me how I feel about it. He’s asked me what I would like him to do to ease the situation. I listened to his  advice as well and gave him the ok to proceed. He backed off on Bear and let Bear come to him. The other night, as Wranglers lied on the floor watching TV, Bear lied across his legs as if they were his moms. I smiled and felt relief wash over me.

I am still apprehensive, but I know that Wranglers won’t run, as he’s affirmed to me. I hope he doesn’t. I also know that my son needs time to digest the big hunk of stuff he’s been handed over the last 2 months. My little man has had me all to himself.

I can only be selfish enough to hope that my two favorite boys can work it out. Until then I hold my breath and try to enjoy the happiness that I feel when they connect, so that one day maybe we can be a family.

The one thing that keeps me grounded and helps me navigate through these new waters is that I know I can do it alone if I have to. Bear and I will be just fine either way.

Oh god. I haven’t had to do this “meet the parents” thing for over 10 years. It’s sorta nerve wracking. What do I wear?

Oh how I longed for this moment...A man throwing a football with my kid.

So far, Wranglers has been great to Bear. Bear seems to like him. This is all happening pretty fast. Need to give it time.

Bear still sleeps with me. Did I tell anyone that? Yeah, I’m one of those moms who had to make sure he was breathing when he was tiny. We slept in the same room at my parents. I tried those sleep training books. I have every one of them. I didn’t use any of them. He’d cry – I’d pick him up. Now I could shoot myself.

Wranglers sleeps on the couch. He has since come up with the idea he would sleep in Bear’s room, so he can get all of his beauty sleep in before work. I think this move to my son’s room was brilliantly calculated. Bear asks – “What is he doing sleeping in my room?” Wrangler responds with “You don’t sleep in here, so I will.” Bear had to think on that one a bit. Then he told me to tell Wranglers to get out and that it was his room! I didn’t and shuffled my kid to the kitchen for breakfast.

This may be step one in getting Bear to sleep in his own bed.

I’m still waiting for the ball to drop.

But, I think I’ll still have fun for awhile.

I’m beginning to feel a bit more grounded. The “la la” phase is wearing off and I have to say I’m ready. Bills need to be paid and business dealt with. All of those things seemed unnecessary as of late and it’s catching up to me.  I feel that I need to regain who I am, cause whoever I’ve been in the last month feels unfamiliar.

I wonder what the next 30 days with him will bring.

I’d really like for my kid to at least start out in his own bed.

Not only was my blog hacked, but my recent absence was also caused by a particular distraction.

My life has took an unexpected turn and I’m terribly distracted and somewhat excited (okay, alot excited). I met a man. Yanno what else? I like him….alot….. and he seems to be pretty crazy about me too….(he appears to be mentally stable)!

Part of me won’t allow myself to just “go with it”. I have a son and I really don’t know how to do this relationship thing with a kid. My son comes first but I’m really digging this man I met. It’s so confusing. I have basically cemented my identity in being a strong single woman. What happens when you let a man enter the mix? Now WTF? Who am I???? Who is this slobbering, giddy, can’t wait for the next text message chick?

Let me preface this blog entry with the fact that I have always been a Levi’s gal. What jeans category do you fall in? C’mon now, we all fall into a jeans category. It’s a cultural thing.

I wasn’t looking for a relationship. He practically fell in my lap. He isn’t my type. I think reading The Pioneer Woman rubbed off on me – he’s a cowboy. He wears Wranglers and Justin boots. He doesn’t just dress the part – he really has cows. He can swing dance better than me. He sings better than me. He likes Buck Owens and opera. He’s an artist/photographer. Once a connoisseur of long haired bikers or musicians, I’ve turned over a new leaf. I’ve decided I like Wranglers – ALOT!

Being a single mom, not only am I new to the dating world as a parent, but it’s been unusual. I’m not sure how to act or if I should feel guilty for going on dates without my kid. I’m actually enjoying myself completely for the first time in a long long time. I no longer feel like the “martyr mother”. Maybe I should feel bad about it, but I don’t-at least not yet.

I dated a man for awhile a coupla years ago, he lived in Alaska and I only saw him a handful of times. This is the first time that I have dated someone who actually lives in the same town. My son’s father didn’t even live in the same town, until we moved into together. Unlike Alaska and my son’s father (who both never connected with my kid), Wranglers has an easy way with Bear. He’s not going down that nauseating road of  “I’m gonna get you to like me so your mother does” kinda way. He’s giving Bear space to come to him. It’s refreshing and has restored my faith in the male variety.

Alas, here I am with a stupid smile on my face that I can’t wipe off. I know this feeling. I’m 42 years old and have experienced it a few times in my life. One thing though-it never gets old, or maybe it will, but for now this single mom is having a blast and my kid even likes him. He stopped calling him “that man” yesterday and called him by his name. If you’re a single mom then you know that is progress !

The future looks like there could be some fun involved. Wranglers or not,  I think I’m gonna go with it.

…but I’m okay now, well, sort of.

Bear and I went on a short three day vacation to my sisters house.  My sis took off on a business trip to Vegas and she happens to live near the beach.  So, snatching up my dear sister’s offer of a free room, I packed our bags and hopped in the car.

The vacation was lovely. The weather was great.  My kid frolicked in the water and we built sand castles.  We did all that stuff you’re supposed to do when doing the beach thing.

Best of all, I actually RELAXED.  Single moms don’t get to do this thing they call “relaxing” much (I’m slow but I’m learning). Yes, I relaxed, unlike my last “getaway” with my son and mother when I thought I was having a heart attack in my car.

My favorite part of my single mom trip was taking my son to see the Elephant Seals in San Simeon. They lie around on this beach farting and making out all day.  He didn’t want to leave, but man it was chilly out there and mom couldn’t take it anymore. It was probably, like, 60 degrees or something.

So when did everything go terribly wrong? This morning, which was my first day home from blissful vacation.

Fall is on it’s way and I’m ready to start things anew. I am feeling ready to tackle the world with business ideas and put-off deeds,feelings and thoughts like – “is my daycare provider pissed off at me?”. She doesn’t seem as kind to me as she has in the past. This could be my hormones, but I was feeling it. My son has been a bit of a bossy little turd lately and as I’ve mentioned in previous entries, I’m working on discipline. To be quite honest, he didn’t need a whole lot until recently and I’m new at this.

So, I take him to the sitter and tell her I’d like to talk. Kids are all over the place. I ask her if it’s a good time to talk, she seems receptive and so I start asking her if he has been difficult lately and what her “toy” policy is. My kid likes to bring a toy everyday to daycare. She says that he won’t let anyone play with it and that he puts it up on the counter. She also says that he just likes “showing” it to everyone. What does this mean? Should I leave them home? Or is it okay for show and tell? A yes or no answer would help here, but I have a lump in my throat and can’t ask her for it at this point.

She asks me what I’ve noticed different. I tell her that he is bossy and I am having some discipline problems with him – nothing too specific, but not intentionally. I just couldn’t seem to find the exact words and the lump in my throat is getting bigger. Actually talking about my son being a turd to someone else and having him in the room seemed awkward and more “real”.  When she agreed that he was bossy and that he wanted things his way all the time I felt immediate responsiblity. I also felt like crying. I’ve never had anyone tell me how they felt about my kid besides family.

Then she says it, and I don’t think she meant it in a bad way, cause Pam is a doll and the nicest person ever. She is maybe too nice and doesn’t always speak her mind, which is why I felt the negative energy in the first place.

She says ” Well, it’s probably cause you’re a single mom”.

Huh? My kid is sometimes an ornery turkey cause I’m a single mom? If my own guilt and frustration didn’t do me in before, this statement did. The tears welled up in my eyes. I looked away. A little boy, who can’t even talk yet,  handed me a teddy bear, as if to say “here, this will make you feel better”. Kids notice everything damnit. Now I know I have to go. I can’t let the tears flow in front of my own kid, much less the others..much less Pam! I get up, I walk out and she grabs my hand. I can’t speak, because if I did then I would blubber all over the place.

I went to work and my pink-haired Bob Dylan/Levon Helm/Iron Maiden loving client, Renee, had to listen to me whine and cry. After talking to her I didn’t feel so alone though. She is my age and also has a 6 year old and used to be single. It’s hard to find a mom my age with a younger child. Most of my friends had babies in their twenties. I did it backwards. I’ve done everything backwards! I guess it’s my style. I have to be different, like Renee, without the pink hair that I dye for her. ( I will post a photo of her soon).

Pam called me at work and asked if I was okay and if it was her fault that I left upset. I told her no and that I just started my period. Well, it’s true and I can’t believe I just mentioned that! She then told me she’d be out on Thursday to have her tooth pulled. I wanted to cry again. I have to work Thursday and I don’t have time to find someone to fill in and the bills are piling up. What’s funny about this is that she probably wanted to tell me that this morning and didn’t want me to have a full blown bawl-baby fit!

I could use some beachy weather and some farting elephant seals about now.

Since my last blog entry, I have had a minor (or a major) single mommy meltdown, depending on who you talk to. Several reasons for it. None of which I’ll go into at the moment, but giving up the blog was an option. So was giving up college (for now).

Okay, having an online blog and laying it out there is sorta weird.  There are things I don’t say for fear that if my mother read it…or if my sister read it…or if my girlfriend read it…or my aunts read it, they’d get pissed, or hurt, or most likely – just  think I’m plain crazy and try to take my kid away from me.(Yes, this fear occasionally rears it’s head, being a single parent. It doesn’t help that my mother half way “joked” about it once when I fell in love and was going to move to Alaska with Mr. Deadliest Catch  and take her grandkid with me…that’s a whole ‘nother blog entry coming soon..and no he wasn’t deadly, but he was of the vocational fisherman variety in Alaska)

My closest family friend, Wendi, told me she wouldn’t read my blog anymore, after I explained to her, over dinner, that I have come to a halt in writing the blog, because I feel that I can’t be open when I know that the closet people in my life are reading it. (I know you’re reading this bitch!)

I’ve always thought of myself as someone who doesn’t give a crap as to what others think, but alas I do. I admit it. Nonetheless, my actions and the way I have lived my life just might coincide with my view of not giving a shit. So, why break the cycle?

In my blogging past, my once close relationship with my former brother in law came to a screeching halt when he read an entry in my blog in 2005, when he and my sister were split up. I was pissed at men and he was one of em. I wrote about it. He read it. End of story. I retracted it, but damage was done.

Some people get fired for their blogs like Dooce -a mega mom blogger who then blogged about work . Julie from The Julie and Julia Project was almost fired for hers. Julie’s mother read her blog and would give her unwanted feedback  over the phone on occasion (great movie btw and I didn’t know it was about an author of a blog, so it was double cool). I’m self employed so I suppose I’m safe there, but I really can’t be too revealing when a client has pissed me off to no end.

So, here I am wondering should I cross the road and just “blog it all out there”, or should I remain composed and reel myself back in and do away with the blog completely?

When one writes from the heart and doesn’t allow for honest self-expression, it becomes a bit like trying to enjoy a prime steak and you discover a piece of chewy, white, rubbery gristle in the middle of it. You’re really diggin’ it, but you know that eventually you’re gonna bite into that vein of big fat gristle. With each bite, you wince, gag and retract, instead of enjoying the taste. Eventually, you lose your appetite and empty your expensive steak into the trash.

I tossed the blog into the can.

Alas, here I am fishing it out, like the scene in Sex and the City of Miranda fishing out the half- eaten chocolate cake from her trashcan.  Although it’s in the flesh eating bacteria-laced  heap, it’s on top and still looks halfway appetizing. It cost a lot for that damn steak! Lots of time was put into the preparation!

Perhaps no one is looking, perhaps they are. I’ll just cut the gristle out and keep on going, regardless of what anyone thinks and if my arm falls off.  Pass the A-1 please.

It was inevitable. I have been dreading the day since Bear was an infant and how it would go. Finally, without further ado, the “dad” word came up.

Last night Bear was lying on the bed with me and we were talking about Christmas. He was excited and talking about presents and Santa.  “Mom, is Maddi, Rhi Rhi and Brandon (his cousins) coming for Christmas time? Is Maddi’s mom (his aunt) and her dad coming too?” Yes, son, they will all be there!” I tell him. He looks back at me and shakes his head in a “no” fashion-” I don’t have a dad, but I have a mommy and a grandpa and grandma.” Gulp. “You’re right son, you don’t have a dad but you have mom and grandma and grandpa.” I tell him in a non-chalant fashion as I’m freaking out on the inside. ….Read more →

Well…five minutes after my last blog post I was text messaged from the baby shower I was ditching out on.

“Are you gonna make it?” my friend asked. Argh. They miss me! I have to go! So, I message her back that I am indeed coming, but am running a little late.

“Bring alcohol” she texts back. Ahhhh she tricked me! I’ve been swindled! ….Read more →

I should be going to a baby shower. I bought the gift. Dropped my son off with my dad and here I sit. I don’t wanna go.

It’s so nice and pleasant and quiet in my house. I am so relaxed. I cherish these peaceful quiet moments. They are sparse, too few, and I am reminded at this moment of how I need to do this more often. I really don’t wanna go into a room with 25 of my co-workers and hang out. I see them more than I get to be alone. Does that make sense? Am I weird?

This time of the year, B.C. (Before Children) I used to be on my Harley traveling. It was blissful to me – an escape from reality. Since the Harley is packed away until my son no longer needs me, I need to find a way to find those rare blissful moments again. As single mom’s all over probably know, you have to carve it out for yourself or it won’t ever happen.

I’m thinking about carving right now.

On my blissful way into the Grand Tetons B.C. (before children)

I think I might pour myself a glass of wine and stay awhile. I won’t be missed at the shower. I’m all dolled up with some where to go and I wanna stay home. I’m going to stay home. So there.

My shoes are off….

Mmmm this wine is refreshing…
I am diggin’ this right now…

Nirvana is mine!