 The
Importance of Routines
By Liza Asher
http://www.clubmom.com
At 8:30 p.m. at the Osborne family house
in Burlington, Vermont, an exemplary bedtime process
is underway. The three children are upstairs changing
into their pajamas, brushing their teeth, and settling
into their beds to read. There is remarkably little
protest or variation. "Bedtime is the one area where
our routine has not wavered," says mom Eleanor. "Since
the boys were toddlers, we've been doing the same thing,
and now it's automatic. This is usually the calmest
period our day." Regular schedules provide the day
with a framework that orders a young child's world.
Although predictability can be tedious for adults,
children thrive on sameness and repetition. "Knowing
what to expect from relationships and activities helps
children become more confident," says Dr. Peter Gorski,
assistant professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical
School in Cambridge, Massachussetts. Routines begin
from the first days of life, says Susan Newman, a social
psychologist in New Jersey, affecting the relationship
between parent and child, setting the stage for rocky
or smooth sailing as your child gets older. Babies,
especially, need regular sleep and meal schedules and
even routines leading up to those activities (a story
every day before nap- or bedtime, for example). As
she gets older, when a child knows what is going to
happen and who is going to be there, it allows her
to think and feel more boldly and freely, Gorski adds.
When a child does not know what to expect, his internal
alarms go off. Ultimately, parents benefit as well: "Knowing
what is expected cuts down on parenting struggles," says
Jodi Mindell, child psychologist and author of Sleeping
through the Night (HarperCollins).
Tips for Implementing
Routines Plan regular mealtimes: "It is
so valuable to the developing spirit of children to
have one meal together each day as a family," Gorski
says. Sitting together at the dinner table gives children
the opportunity to share their day's experience and
get support for whatever they're feeling. The emphasis
is on togetherness, so if your children need to eat
earlier, at least give them dessert while you eat your
meal. This is also an ideal time to introduce routines
that give children responsibility, such as setting
or clearing the table. Older children can be pre-dinner
helpers and washer-uppers. Wind down before bed: Consistent
nightly rituals are soothing and take the battle
out of bedtime. But after an exhausting day, it's
tempting to skip the preliminaries when bedtime finally
approaches. Don't, stresses Mindell: "About 20 to 30 minutes of
calm, soothing, and consistent activities get children
ready." Find what works best for your child—some children
are revved up by a bath or fidgety when listening to
a story. Yours may prefer doing a puzzle together or
listening to music. For older children, bedtime is
an ideal time for conversation. My 12-year-old son
likes me to sit on his bed and talk for a few minutes
before he goes to sleep. In general, make the room
conducive for sleep. Set aside a time each week for
room cleanup (another important routine!), when your
child puts away toys and books and you change the linens. Be
consistent but flexible: Routines are essential,
but allow some room for flexibility. Although the
Osborne family thought their bedtime routine was
a blessing, there have been some problems recently. "I was completely
rigid about my oldest son's bedtime, and he is now
incapable of veering from that routine. If we are out
later than his bedtime, he becomes upset," Eleanor
says.
Unexpected events, like surprise guests
or errands that cannot be postponed, may result in
a nap in the car seat or a skipped meal. But if we
react with frustration when this happens, our kids
will, too. Try to prepare your child ahead of time
for the change and reassure them that things will return
to normal tomorrow.
Liza Asher is a mother
of four and writes on parenting issues for national
magazines. She lives in Montclair, New Jersey.
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