I've been anxiously waiting for the new man in my life to show up, especially since my boyfriend and I split up earlier this year. According to the calendar, he should be arriving in 8 weeks and 3 days. As the date quickly approaches, this woman is getting scared out of her wits!

It all started when a friend gave me a bed. I rushed home and hastily set it up in the room my new guy and I will occupy in my parent’s home. (That’s another story) I sat down and stared into the angelic white basket, laced in eyelet. Then it hit me. A real breathing body will be swaddled inside soon. This isn't a dream. The little person that I imagine lying inside is going to need me- and I mean really, really need me.

The pressure is on. What if I don't like being needed? What if he doesn't like me? What if I don't know what the hell I'm doing? What if I accidentally hurt him or worse yet, kill him? I dropped all my nieces and nephews when they were little, and one of these scenarios was even documented on video. They won't let me live it down. Of course I didn't mean to, but I was such a klutz. When my little brother was 4 months old I walked away from him for a second, to look at something on television, and he rolled off my bed. What if I drop my son on his head? What if he gets wrapped up in a blanket and can't breathe? What if he chokes and I can't help him? What if he contracts West Nile Virus?

Another thing - I don't remember how to change a diaper. He's going to have a penis. What do you do? Do you wipe it? When men go to the bathroom they just shake it. Don't they? Do you shake it? Now they say talcum powder is dangerous, because it can go into their lungs or something like that. I remember my dad pouring an entire shaker of powder in my nieces little face while changing her diaper, as the lid came off. It was almost funny, until you saw that she was choking and stunned - her little eyes blinking through the mountain of snow covering her sweet face. So, do you use some other type of powder, or forget the whole powder step?

Then there’s breast-feeding. Sigh. I know it’s good for him and it’s healthy, a bonding thing to do and all that, but it still seems weird. I mean, do you just flop it out in front of people? It’s supposed to hurt at first too. I don’t know about this breastfeeding business. Then I start reading about something called “Nipple cream”. What’s that?

I suppose the motherly instinct will kick in. In fact, I’m hanging onto that idea for dear life – mine and my son’s. I do have the best intentions and I’m already willing to destroy anything or anyone who would try and hurt him. I’m sure they’ll be mistakes -plenty of them. Hopefully, he’ll forgive me for them. One thing I know for sure – I’ll love him like no one else. Although my experience is limited, I can do what mom did. Mom and experience have taught me that a mommy’s kiss can make it all better.

 

Copyright 2005, Kristi L. Goss